


The Waves in a Scarred Heart

by totallynotcrying



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Almost Drowning, Evan’s not okay, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Mental Illness, North Carolina, beach, meet by disaster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:29:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27274966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totallynotcrying/pseuds/totallynotcrying
Summary: Walks on the coast were different now. They weren't calming or comforting, they were haunting and nightmarish. With every step further into the ocean, he could feel it all again: the bubbling around his ears, the fire in his lungs, the sensation of sinking further and further away from life.
Relationships: Connor Murphy/Evan Hansen
Kudos: 19





	The Waves in a Scarred Heart

This wasn't good. 

The cool ocean water felt familiar on his feet. He'd been here before many times before. The sound of waves crashing and children giggling, the smell of saltwater and sunscreen. It was his childhood, and, well, now adulthood, too. When they had moved to the gulf after his father left, he'd spent days, months, years swimming, surfing, or walking the coast. The beach was his home, or, at least, it was.

Walks on the coast were different now. They weren't calming or comforting, they were haunting and nightmarish. With every step further into the ocean, he could feel it all again: the bubbling around his ears, the fire in his lungs, the sensation of sinking further and further away from life. He had tried to scream, tried to save himself, but every second felt like years and every movement took all his strength. He'd seen Hell. He had felt every ocean current that had pushed him and pulled him like a childhood bully. He felt himself dying, and he knew he would.

Connor had saved him that day.

That was how they met. Evan couldn't remember what had happened between feeling hands on his arms and waking up in the hospital. His therapist said it was one of the symptoms of almost dying. Connor's and his relationship had been built from the incident. And now, his boyfriend was back at their condo, sleeping soundly with no knowledge or thought about where Evan was. 

The ocean was calling him. Or maybe he was just lunatic. The sand under his feet disappeared when the water got too deep for him to simply walk. He was swimming, such a natural yet foreign thing to him now. The water sailed past him, and he began to feel it happening again. He was shaking, the panic was again rising in his throat and his heart was racing itself until it would either slow down or stop completely. All of the memories of dying flooded through him. This was it. That was it. This was-

Connor saved him again. 

He didn't understand how or when it happened but he could feel himself in Connor's arms on the cool Carolina sand. 

"You can't do that to me." 

"Oh my god, oh my god." 

"Evan, you can't do that." 

"You could have died." 

Connor's statements were broken up with muffled sobs. 

Evan was numb. He was just watching everything like a movie; none of this was real. He was dead, this was it. 

"Evan," Connor continued to cry. "Say something, baby, please."

He couldn't. He was gone. He had left his body and gone to a Hell where he was doomed to watch his loved ones for the rest of his life. Or maybe nothing was real at all. Maybe he was just stuck in his head. Maybe he would awake one morning in his twin bed on the college campus he had attended before almost dying, and go on with life without his mental health interrupting normal tasks. 

Maybe then his problems would go away.

Evan curled further into Connor as a response. He wanted to feel something. Maybe Connor was the thing he needed to grip onto. He felt himself grab Connor's hand and squeeze it tightly. If it was hurting Connor, he made no reaction to it. The only noises made from Connor were soft "I love you"'s and timid cries. 

"Connor-" Evan had whispered after minutes of silence.

"Yes, darling?" Connor kept his voice low as if he was fragile. Like a baby or fine China. 

"I need help.."

Connor sucked in a breath. He didn't want to hear that, did he? "We'll talk in the morning." He gently kissed Evan's forehead before picking him up and walking back to their apartment, slowly.

The waves were still there, splashing against Evan's heart because they were a part of him, too. But in Connor's arms maybe everything could be okay. And when he would awake in the morning, his lungs wouldn't be on fire and his eyes wouldn't sting from salt. When he would awake in the morning, Connor would hold him and protect him, because that was something he could hold onto. Connor was something he could trust to not tear him apart. 

He would get better. 

He could-

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work published on AO3. Hope you guys like it :))


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